I don't want to live forever.

I just want to live longer than Phil.

I hope that is not too much to ask.

During a recent visit with the Chief, the most Reverend Fr. O'Malley, and Mr. Ganz of Ganz, Laytom & Ganz LLC, Lord Elgarf was treated to the wonders of the internet in the form of a personal search. They had typed in certain names and were showing me all of the info you could dig up on a person. I asked them to look up one Phil P. Duesphol from my sordid past. He was a roommate in college and has the distinct honor of being one of 2 human beings that Mr. Elgarf harbors true hatred for (the other, of course, being george w bush). Phil had called me during the summer of 1993 and let me know that we would be roommates. We told each other about ourselves and seemed to have everything in common. When I finally met him, the similarities began to drop like flies. It turns out that Phil was nothing but a pathetic liar. He soon joined a fraternity and turned his loyal "brethren" against me, even though we were neighbors and had a friendly relationship aside from Phil. It was actually kind of sad the way it happened. I would see Tiny or Gig (jig) in the hall or on campus and say hello. They would look down at their feet and scurry away as if to say, "I would really like to say hello but with the guidelines put forth by this brotherhood that I paid a substantial amount of money to become a member of I simply cannot. I wish you no harm (Lord Elgarf) but am simply unallowed to say hello to you."

Obviously the ignorant fucks weren't that eloquent, but you get the gist. All that was bad enough, but then the pathetic phoney threatened physical harm on me. He was going to throw me out of the second floor window, as I recall.

Anyway, it has been 15 years and the fires haven't died. I promised myself back then that I would water Phil's grave,

WITH MY OWN PISS!!!!!!!!

As you can imagine, I was very disappointed to find that Phil was still living in small town Pennsylvania with that skinny little bitch he was dating at the time. When I told the Chief this he wanted to know where I wanted him to be living! Imagine that! I said, "NO THAT'S THE PROBLEM!"

So, as awful as it may sound, I want to outlive Phil. I don't care if he lives to be 90, as long as I can live one day longer to make that pilgrimage to that small town in Pennsylvania. Hell, I don't care if I stop breathing in mid-stream, as long as I get to water that asshole's grave.

Amen.